How to Address Problems in Your Marriage
Do you have something on your mind that you are not sure how to bring up to your LEO spouse? You think about it during the day while they are off at work, but when they get home, you are left wondering when the right time is. In this blog, we discuss what we did in our marriages, both right and wrong, to help you start an effective conversation.
We know you've probably heard this before, but communication is really key.
My husband and I started with a family. It was a blended family. We didn't have those first few years to be with each other and nurture that marriage. We literally put two families together, and we were an automatic five-person family.
So once that honeymoon was over, reality set in, and you start seeing these problems, and initially, you're like, "Oh, you know, it'll get better." Sometimes we don't address it because we think, "you know what, it's just temporary. This too shall pass". But for me, because I didn't handle those things, they would show up again later. So based on my experience, instead of letting things go, address it with them.
You need to have a conversation. It's not an argument. It's a "Hun, let's sit down, we need to talk. This is what I'm feeling. Are you feeling the same thing?". And I knew clearly that I wasn't; I went through a period where I wasn't happy in my marriage. If I'm not happy in my marriage, my husband is not happy in the marriage either. My best advice is you need to address it and come up with solutions on how to improve on those difficulties in your marriage.
Something that came to my mind was when she was saying they had a blended family, and this kind of goes over to whether you're blended or not. She and Steve came in with three little ones; they weren't grown children. They were two, four, and five. That, to me, is taking on the world. This carries over into whether you're a stay at home mom, which God bless you all because I think that's the hardest job ever. I did have a career, but we had one son, and it's tough enough as it is.
It is communication, like Tania said. I think the biggest downfall as a woman, and I don't know necessarily with Tania because she is in law enforcement. But there's a little bit of a breakdown because we don't quite understand their job.
We don't quite understand what they do. It could be a major court case or a huge warrant; I didn't understand those things. Tania got it completely. That was an incredible conversation that she and Steve could have. But as a civilian, it was hard to have those same conversations with Mitch.
I would advise you not to communicate when they walk in the door at night or when they're just kicking off or starting work. You have to be so careful about the time you choose to have these conversations. I learned that the hard way. You know, we talk about nagging wives. If Mitch kicked off on a Thursday and got home at five o'clock, there was a very good chance that I was like, "we need to talk."
I can guarantee you, that is not the time, it's not the place, they're exhausted. I did it probably more than once, but I did do it. I had to learn that timing was everything because you want to make sure that not only you are heard, but you want to make sure that your partner feels that they have been heard as well.
Tania said it, if there are problems in the marriage, I guarantee that my husband is probably feeling the same thing. But I want him to be able to tell me. This isn't just husband and wife; this could be boyfriend and girlfriend or fiance. I've been reading many social media pages of wives, fiances, and girlfriends who think it's time to pull the plug.
"Can I marry somebody in this job?" That's a question you have to be honest with yourself about. It is very tough, communication is key, but I will tell you that timing is everything.
In general, marriage takes a lot of work, but marriage within law enforcement really takes a lot of work. That's why we say it really takes a special woman to be the wife of a law enforcement officer because we deal with a lot more stressors and responsibilities than civilian marriages.